Starting right now.
I have been at Sacred Dance all morning. I was up at 7:30 and didn’t get back to my apartment until about 12:20. Then I had lunch with Becca and a few other friends, which took, all told, until about 2:00. It’s now a bit after 3:00. I have until 5:00 to do homework and make and eat dinner. Then at 5:00, I have 45 minutes to get ready for IMAGES, a multicultural performance put on by Hope students (me and a few classmates are singing in German). I will be at IMAGES from 6:00 to probably 8:00, if not later. Then I come back to the apartment and have an hour or so, if that, to do homework. Then I believe my roomie’s boyfriend is coming over and we’re going to watch an episode or two of Dollhouse. In other words, in terms of homework, the rest of the night is shot.
Then tomorrow morning I get to sleep in until 9:45 – theoretically. In reality I’m probably getting up too early again and doing probably almost the only homework I’ll get done all day. Then it’s off to church, which goes until about 12:00. From church I go straight to eat lunch with Sacred Dance, and then into rehearsal for the alternative worship service, which is tomorrow afternoon. So I will be with Sacred from noon until probably nearly 5:00pm, including clean-up from the service. Then back to the apartment to make and eat dinner, which usually takes anywhere from one to two hours. By the time that’s done it will probably be 7:00pm.
Then I have from then until 8:00 Monday morning to write several highly detailed lesson plans for Creative Dance For Children, read half a YA novel, and do whatever German homework I have (I haven’t even looked. It probably involves a couple pages of our workbook, a grammar worksheet, and some work with the software which takes forever). Then on Monday I am in class or at work from 8:30am until 4:30pm. I get back from classes and we make dinner – get done with that around 6:30 or 7:00. Then there’s bible study from 7:30-8:30, and Sacred leadership meetin gfrom 8:45 to 10:00 or 10:30, depending on what we have to talk about. Then I have from then until 8:00 Tuesday morning to take an Anatomical Kinesiology quiz, read a ton of stuff (and by a ton of stuff I mean probably somewhere between 100 and 200 pages) for Lit Theory, come up with at least one intelligent question on the readings, and write an annotated bibliography for the 20-page paper I have to write for that class.
Oh. The annotated bibliography also has to be submitted along with my thesis statement and a paragraph explaining what I’m going to be writing my paper on and the direction I’m taking and the theoretical/critical lenses I’m going to be using. And it has to consist of at least six secondary sources.
The problem is that I can’t find secondary sources if I don’t know what I’m going to be writing about. And I can’t figure that out if I don’t understand the primary sources.
Literary theory consists of a bunch of long words, at least half of which are French or German or some other language I don’t understand, which mean absolutely nothing to me. We;ve been studying this stuff all semester, and I still couldn’t so much as explain to you very basically what any of it means.
How the heck do I make up a paper out of something I can’t grasp? I’ve re-read some of the readings several times now. That only makes it worse. My professor is under the impression that I get this stuff (though why, I have no idea. I’ve never done anything to make him think that. I certainly don’t participate in class. At all. I literally walk into the room and say nothing for an hour and a half). I don’t get this stuff. It means absolutely nothing to me. I have no idea how to even define postcolonialism, deconstruction, essentialism, queer theory, whatever…much less how to then take those theories and apply them to a text and then write about it for twenty pages.
Why do people think I understand this stuff? Heck, why does every person in that class get it except me?
Dear world. Please, please, please don’t let me go to grad school. Do me a favor and tie me up somewhere first. Because as much as I want to keep learning and studying the things that interest me, it’s not worth this much agony. Not. at. all.
So if Tuesday comes and you don’t hear from me, you can assume I either crawled into a hole and died, or I gave up, left school, and am walking home.
…I freaked out about all the other big papers I had to write for Dr. G. Because I knew that no matter hoe hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to write them as well as I wanted to. And that made me upset because I really cared about the things I was writing about and I really wanted to make Dr. G proud. And despite the freaking out, those papers still all turned out okay. But this is different. because at least those times I knew what I was supposed to be writing about. I knew how to write the paper, I just didn’t know how to write it as well as I would have liked. This time? I have no idea. I can’t write 20 pages about something that may as well be in chinese for as well as I understand it.
And don’t tell me to go talk to my professor about it. I did. He is under the impression that I get this stuff. I tried to ask for help and all he did was tell me my idea wasn’t complex enough. Instead of making things easier or explaining things, he just told me I needed to do even more.
Very nicely, of course. He’s a wonderful man. But he thinks I get this stuff, and I don’t know how to tell him no, I haven’t understood a word anyone has said in his class all semester.
I really hate being a failure.