I have no idea what to do and maybe writing about it will help.

I’m sorry for the angst, the stress, the inevitable spelling mistakes, and the rant. But not that sorry, so deal with it.


It’s going to be midnight soon. I really don’t want it to be tomorrow. Because tomorrow is Saturday, which means the next day is Sunday, which means it’s next week. And next week my job starts. And I really don’t want my job to start.

I know it won;t be bad. I know it will even be fun once I get into the swing of it. I just really, really, really would like to continue in the blissful illusion of having enough time to get everything done that I need to every day. I’m going to have nine less homework hours, every week. Which is totally cool. Whatever. But it’s more stress than I would like to think about right now.

also I was asked to take notes for a student in my Anatomical Kinesiology class. I get paid for it if I say yes. Basically I just sit in class and take notes like I do anyway, then photocopy them afterward and get paid for doing essentially nothing. I should say yes. Why the heck would I ever turn that down? Seriously? Yea. But that class is stressful enough without the added knowledge that my frantic notes have to be legible to someone else. The teacher talks so fast – I can’t keep up with her, and can only get half, if that, of what she says written down. And I’m basically just copying down everything that’s on the powerpoints anyway, because she teaches from them so closely. Why the heck doesn’t the student just go print the stupid powerpoints out and call it good? I should take the note-taking job, but my notes look like something died on them anyway, because I have to write so fast, and I don’t know if I want the stress of knowing I have to be…legible.

Also there’s this thing Hope does that’s like a Let’s-All-Prepare-For-Gradschool/Decide-If-Grad-School-Is-Something-We-Should-Do club. I went to an Info meeting today. I should apply to join. I really should. It’s exactly what I need. Except standing there in that info meeting…I honestly have no idea why I’m even thinking about thinking about grad school. And I know exactly what everyone who reads this is going to say when I say this, but I’m saying it anyway. I don’t feel smart enough for grad school. I’m not that sort of person. I’m not good enough for that sort of academic environment. (And you can all keep your comments to yourself, because I know what you’re going to say, and honestly, right now, I really don’t want to hear it because you all saying the same thing at me isn’t going to make a difference in how my brain works, so save your brath. Or your…typing). I really, really, really wish I felt like I could go to grad school. I really do. but wishing changes nothing. I know. I’ve been there, done that many times.

Also Sacred Dance. I’m on Leadership. I love Sacred. It pretty much single-handedly got me through freshman year. But sometimes, I just want to strangle everyone in the room and walk out. Also being on Leadership is more stress, because there are things I’m supposed to be doing and I don’t know how to do them, and there are people I’m supposed to be talking to but I don’t know who they are, and I’m Treasurer and I’m supposed to have money to pay for stuff that is happening, like, now, but I have no idea how to get it and I suppose I’ll figure everything out just in time to graduate. I like Sacred. But not enough to enjoy the stress that goes along with the responsibility of Having Many Important Things To Do, none of which I have more than a vague idea of how to go about.


Well. Let’s look on the bright side. I don’t have to worry about the Bible-Study-Leading stuff yet.

Oh wait. 

Yea I do. 

That kind of starts tomorrow.


7 Comments Add yours

  1. JudahC says:

    I was asked to be a note taker for my brother, who is in almost all the same classes as me. It’s pretty awesome to get paid for that. But then I was in one class (which I ended up dropping…There are reasons why it might have been wise to choose a Christian college.) and there was another hard of hearing student, and I freaked out about having to take notes for someone I didn’t know. I doubt my brother actually uses the notes though…seeing as he hasn’t asked for interpretation yet, and with my handwriting he’ll need to…

    So I totally understand why you don’t want to. =P


  2. Lulu says:

    Anna- Don’t hate on the person who wants notes and call them lazy. I’m the type of person who’d be in that situation when I get to college, trust me. Do it, that person will love you. And don’t hate on them if they can’t copy stuff down off the powerpoint. I can barely write 2 sentences before my hand starts to hurt >.<


    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      Sorry – that wasn’t the intent of that sentence. I am not hating on the person, nor calling them lazy. I know the person would love me. I am just frustrated with myself because the thought of having to take notes that make sense to someone other than me, when all I am doing anyway is copying what’s on the powerpoints, is extremely stressful and anxiety-inducing, for absolutely no logical reason. I worked as a note taker during May Term too – it was fun and easy, and I was very glad to help someone else out. I totally get it. I am just very frustrated with myself for hesitating to say yes.


  3. Lulu says:

    Anna you are sooo smart!!!!!! I can’t believe you don’t think you are smart enough for Grad school, you HAVE to consider Grad school. Stop being so humble, you are really smart. *huggles*




      1. Lulu says:

        ily <333



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