This needs a title and I don’t know what to call it.

Ideas? Thoughts? Help? Criticism? Please?

It’s rather sing-song-y and childish-sounding, but I think that’s okay…it totally doesn’t portray what I was aiming to get across either, but whatever. Gotta take what I can get. Poetry and I are only just beginning to get re-acquainted, so I can blame it on being rusty. Or just lacking a muse. Does anyone know of any good muses out for hire? I can pay in chocolate…

 

 

July 3, 2014

We danced together, my shadow and I,
To the beat of our own heart.
The yellow walls urged us together,
The light pressed us apart.

We danced together, my shadow and I,
My shadow took the lead.
I followed on her every move,
I matched me to her speed.

We danced together, my shadow and I,
But puzzlement followed apace.
Though I was ugly and out of step
She moved with fluid grace.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. mariertps says:

    ILOVEITSOMUCH. This has to be the best poetry I’ve read this month. *nodnod* I don’t have any suggestions *sigh*

    Like

  2. sarahtps says:

    That was lovely. Don’t change a thing.

    Like

  3. Anna, this is beautiful. I think it could definitely stay as is. But, if you want to add another dimension (cue text-painting), I do have a suggestion. Below I have written out the rhythm of a few lines. Caps indicate stresses.

    So, in your third line of the first stanza, you have:
    du-PLE du-PLE TRI-pl-et DU-ple

    In the third line of your second stanza, you have:
    du-PLE du-PLE du-PLE BEAT (note: technically the last duple could be a triplet if you pronounce “every” as three syllables, though a lot of people pronounce it as two).

    In the third line of your third stanza, you have:
    du-PLE tri-PL-et du-PLE du-PLE *OR*
    TRI-pl-et DU-ple du-PLE du-PLE (note: it just depends on how you read the line. It could go either way)

    I think you could add a dimension of text-painting by making the third line in the second stanza (where you talk about following each move) match the first stanza’s third line, as if it were following it exactly. Then, keep the third different (like it already is) to denote “out of step.” But again, it is already great as is. This is just a recommendation if you want a little extra challenge ;)

    And for title suggestions: Shadow Dancer, Candlelight Dancer, Candlelight Ballerina…yeah, I don’t have many ideas there. Sorry.

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    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      Yea, I did try a little bit to play with rhythms and getting the same number of syllables in matching lines…but then I got fed up with it. Hehe. I like the idea of making the first two the same, and leaving the last one different, though…I didn’t think of that. I’ll see what I can do…=) Thanks for the ideas! =D

      Like

  4. vtgrandview says:

    I don’t like the word “ugly”……..when I think of you dancing with your shadow, that is not the image I have in my mind.

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  5. AnnaEstelle says:

    This poem is currently undergoing a massive re-write. I have no idea how I feel about any of it. But it’s happening. And hopefully it shall end up better, and not more butchered. XD

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    1. Bessie Lark says:

      Maybe “clumsy” instead? It’s less harsh and contrasts better with “fluid grace.”

      Like

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