Why Apples Drop in Autumn

Well. Student Dance Concert of Spring 2014 is over. It’s been a good run.

Last night, opening night for the second showing (the one my piece was in), went smoothly. It wasn’t an all-time-best performance, on my part, but it went really, really well. Everyone I talked to loved the piece. So I’m calling that good.

Tonight, final performance, was…probably the best my fellow dancer, Katie, and I have ever danced the piece. Our choreographer, the beautiful and talented Maribeth, agrees. I think it was pretty smashing.

I don’t believe I ever really posted here about the SDC piece that has been taking up every bit of free time in my life for the past many weeks. And I’m not going to tell you much about it now, either. I don’t have time (still have all of tomorrow’s homework to complete before bed, and a whole lot of thinking to do after that which will keep me awake even longer), and any description won’t do it justice. But the basic premise is the Creation story of Genesis 2 and 3. Basically I’m Adam and Katie is Eve and we screw up and there’s no way around it. But the piece is brilliant. Maribeth can work wonders with choreography. I’ve wanted to be in something created by her ever since I saw her dance for the first time in Sacred. I’m so glad I got to. =) The process of learning this piece has been lovely, and I’ll miss our rehearsals.

It’s done now. The performances. Post-Performance Depression is only kicking in as much as it ever does. Don’t worry, I’ll be dandy by tomorrow morning. When I have to wake up at some ungodly hour to finish homework and scamper off to class. It’s just sad when something you’ve invested nearly every spare minute in for so long is suddenly over in the blink of an eye and two short performances. You know how it is.

Mainly, though, I’m just sad because there wasn’t really anyone there to watch me. Selfish, I know. Kinda silly, too. But true nonetheless. I miss having my family here to watch me dance and bring me flowers and stop at a gas station on the way home for ice cream. It’s just a tradition, and it doesn’t get to happen anymore.

Not that there wasn’t anyone there at all to see me. I know a lot of the dancers here, at least at the level of acquaintance, and a lot of them were there last night, and tonight as well. They all gave me hugs and told me I was wonderful, and all the normal things. But still. That doesn’t change the fact that most everyone left surrounded by either family or friends, and I walked back to my dark, empty dorm room alone. Even my roommate is missing. It’ll take me a while yet to get used to that alone-ness. It’s a learning process.

But it’s all right. =)

I’m really confused now, though. Because so many people reacted to my performance in a way I completely did not expect. By “my performance” I don’t mean the piece as a whole…I mean to me, personally. My dancing. Two people said they’d never seen me dance like that before. Someone said they really hoped Julie, our ballet teacher, saw the piece because I was a different Anna up on stage than I’ve ever been in Ballet III at eight in the morning with my hair in a lop-sided, half-asleep bun. Another person said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe it…you really came out of your shell.”

All good things. Good reactions. But confusing. And I don’t know what to make of it. Because here I am, losing hope for me and dance ever working out in the same sentence. Here I am, watching everyone else run their pieces and wondering if I’ll ever be half as good as any of the other dancers. Here I am thinking inadequate thoughts (which isn’t good or true) and wrestling with finding a place for dance in my life if there even is one (which is valid and necessary).

And then all the sudden, over the past two days, two things have suddenly thrown themselves at me. One, I can take on someone else’s artistic vision and work their choreography into my body and take part of their deepest self into me, and then turn around and perform it as though it is my own vision and choreography and self. I can present my own heart through the work of someone else. And two (and this is another story for another time),I can create something good of my own. I can put my heart and soul into my own choreography, and show it to people, and have it be enough, and not be rejected or just passed off.

And it’s really confusing to me right now, because I’ve always called myself a ballet dancer but I don’t even enjoy those classes anymore, and I’ve always said I’m no good at things like Jazz or Modern or Lyrical dance but that’s what comes out when I try to put my deepest self into movement. And I’ve always said I can’t choreograph, I don’t know how, it’s too hard or scary or vulnerable, but all the sudden that’s all I really want to do.

I guess it’s a good confusion, then.

But I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, because I seem to have two different identities now, in more places than just dance, and I can’t reconcile them, and I don’t know which one is right or if one is wrong or which one is real and which one is false or how to choose between them or if I even should.

And I’d kind of like to know that. Because not knowing who you are anymore is slippery and uncomfortable. And not knowing who you will be next week, or next month, or next year, is frightening.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if anyone, ever, really finds out who they are, or if they chose the right self to be.

 

And I’ll stop now because it’s nearly eleven o’clock and I have so much left to do and so much left to think about before I can sleep. Sorry, friends. Like I said. Self-diagnosed mild post-performance depression. It does weird things to me. And when you’re kind of lonely too, it’s just a bad combination. I’ll be good by morning, though. Sunlight always makes it easier to forget about the difficult things and just smile. =)

I hope it’s sunny tomorrow.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. CKG says:

    Wish I could have been in the back row….I’m sure you were as beautiful as ever. Would have bought you an XL icecream cone from that General Store in Johnson…..

    Like

  2. vtgrandview says:

    “Here I am, watching everyone else run their pieces and wondering if I’ll ever be half as good as any of the other dancers. Here I am thinking inadequate thoughts (which isn’t good or true) and wrestling with finding a place for dance in my life if there even is one (which is valid and necessary).”

    Anna-Do you remember when we went to Eastern for your dance auditions and the talk that the dance professors had with us afterwards? They said that you lack confidence and asked you why. They saw this in your dancing. They said your technique was “perfect” (yes, she used that word) but that you did not have the confidence to project that in your dancing. You knew exactly why you lacked confidence and you told them the reason. They said that if you came to Eastern, they would change that-they said that you need to stop comparing yourself with other dancers and you need to give yourself over the the gift you have been blessed with. They said you need to dance as unto the Lord and when you do that-you will see a change in your dancing and others will see it too and stand back in awe of what you can do on the dance floor. Remember all that conversation?

    “Another person said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe it…you really came out of your shell.”

    Anna-perhaps last night’s performance saw an Anna who was not looking at other dancers, an Anna who was dancing as unto the Lord, with eyes focused upward and not inward.

    “I can put my heart and soul into my own choreography, and show it to people, and have it be enough, and not be rejected or just passed off.”

    Yes, YOU are enough and you dance beautifully-because you are who your are. Life and people can be so hard on us- when we listen to the lie that we are not enough, and we are “rejected and passed off”. The truth is that we are enough-God has created you in his image for his good work. Eph. 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Do not listen to the lie Anna. Do not let the lie win.

    “But I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, because I seem to have two different identities now, in more places than just dance, and I can’t reconcile them, and I don’t know which one is right or if one is wrong or which one is real and which one is false or how to choose between them or if I even should.”

    Anna-I do not see this as two different identities! You have multiple gifts, blessings from above that form and identify who you are. They are not separate-these gifts are housed in the same body. You don’t have to reconcile them-you don’t have to decide which is right and which is wrong. Sit back, rest in knowing that there is a plan for you which includes using all your gifts in some way or form. Wait with excited anticipation knowing that God has plans for you. He will open doors and he will close doors and he will guide you steps.

    “And not knowing who you will be next week, or next month, or next year, is frightening.”

    Yes, FEAR, the dreaded four letter word. That is one of my weaknesses -fear. It haunts you, limits you, drags you down, prevents you from realizing your divine potential. Step into it Anna-embrace it-anticipate it! Life is just waiting for you and right now-God is preparing the way for you!

    I miss seeing you dance too! Next year-I will come watch you dance! :)

    Like

  3. Lulu says:

    Wow. The ONLY reason I opened and read through this post was to find out why apples drop in autumn. BUT NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.

    Your link bait is just as bad as Yahoo’s.

    Like

    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      Haha. Sorry. I forgot to explain. That’s the title of the SDC piece I was in.

      Like

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