This is a rant. Read on at your own risk.

What the heck am I doing?

Question of the century.

Let me share with you my to-do list for this weekend and the first couple days of next week.

  • Figure out pricing for hour-long photo-shoots with guests at our farm
  • Put together a portfolio of my portrait photography to send to Mommy for her to put somewhere on our farm website, saying that I will offer portrait sessions to guests
  • Get money figured out so I can buy outrageously over-priced make-up stuff that I will never use again for my Dance Production class, that has so far been the biggest joke of my life
  • Respond to the email from Vermont Life about an interview and answer their questions in some professional manner (which needs to happen, like, now.)
  • Figure out how to fix my time sheet for my job here because I accidentally missed the deadline to turn it in last week
  • Apply for a position working as a writing assistant/tutor in the Writing Center here (MUST be completed by March 10th. This involves writing an essay singing my own praises which is a thing I absolutely loathe, and actually going in to the writing center and signing up for a tutoring slot even though I don’t need it because they will only consider my application if I have made use of the writing center before, and I most certainly haven’t. This also means I have to have TIME to go in to the writing center.)
  • Buy a book for Middle English which I forgot I needed and which is very hard to find copies of, apparently
  • Buy two books for Sacred Dance, which I am taking as a class this year and which starts on Monday
  • Figure out housing for next year once and for all (gollllllllly I’ll be so glad when that’s over with)
  • Figure out how to apply for May Term classes
  • Figure out if I am even staying for May Term and determine if I am going to be staying on campus one summer and see if I can take May Term classes at the same time as I am staying on campus doing research, or if that doesn’t work out for some reason.
  • Figure out if staying for May Term is even worth the money
  • Try and find online classes I can take from home that would be equivalent to the things I’d take for May Term here, and figure out if they even transfer to Hope as the credits I need, which is highly doubtful, given my track record with transferring credits so far
  • Book a ride on the shuttle to the Grand Rapids airport for spring break, as I will be flying to North Carolina to visit my Grammy <3 (this involves more money. I’ve spent like five thousand dollars so far just in this one list.)
  • Usher for one of Dance 40’s performances (meaning an evening spent entirely without doing anything else productive at all)
  • Rehearsals for Student Dance Concert (which, combined with ushering and sacred dance, means I am going to get absolutely nothing done tomorrow. Just like I got absolutely nothing done today.)
  • Try to re-work my four-year-plan for the third time, leaving space for at least one more Creative Writing class and making changes based on whether or not I’m staying for May Term
  • Figure out how to change my major, and do it
  • Go to bible study Monday and Wednesday night
  • find out if Sacred Leadership is meeting during the week again, and when (and hope it’s not at 9:00 on Wednesday so I don’t have to miss said bible study, but assume it will be since that’s kinda when it always is)
  • Complete a writing assignment for Monday night’s bible study before like, Monday night.
  • Find time at some point to go to the costume shop and pick up my final grades and the sewing projects we did in Dance Production (which have I mentioned yet how big and expensive a joke that class is? I think they should have told us beforehand what we were getting into. No? Come on, Dance Department. We all know you need a little TLC sometimes. But the least you could do is tell us before the class starts that we are going to have to fork over an extra $60+ for fabric and makeup-that-we’ll-never-use-again. I’m a broke college student, remember? I. Don’t. Have. Sixty. Dollars.)

…Oh. and in addition to that, I have to watch a bunch of videos about makeup, do four German exercises and run through their accompanying software programs, write an at least somewhat intelligible journal entry about Tere O’Connor for my Modern class (after spending at least an hour researching them), read three chapters of A Book of Middle English, read two Middle English poems, and translate one of them to Modern English with the help of…well…not much of a glossary.

By Monday.

…at least my Logic class is over now…? I mean, it’s been replaced by five more hours of classes every week, but hey. Look on the bright side. Maybe I didn’t fail the final exam. After I studied for it like, once. Because I was too busy cramming German vocabulary into my head while torturing myself over grad school, finances, and May Terms.

Are you feeling the frustration yet? Yea. Sorry about that.


And in addition to all that lovely frustration and insanity I’m sitting here terrified out of my mind at the possibility of grad school, and really, really, really feeling like maybe it’s a good idea to stick with the way I’m going right now, graduate early, and flee back home as fast as ever I can, because the enormity of the world that is opening up in front of me has got me paralyzed and I only ever really wanted to just be invisible and live a normal, unassuming life and get in and get out as quickly as possible without leaving any tracks, and not have to talk to people and not have to do big things and not have to make a difference to anyone. And now all the sudden it’s grad school, summer research and independent studies, senior theses, grad school, independent research (like on my own, during the school year, just because), career, vocation, grad school. Every single one of those words is so anti-Anna it’s not even funny. Dr. Gruenler tells me I should be thinking about doing research projects independently on my own, to prepare for grad school. My thoughts: I don’t know how to do that, I don’t know how to research things on my own, I don’t know how to come up with topics TO research, I don’t know how to do any of it, and who’s going to teach me, and do you have to do this to go to grad school, and what is grad school anyway, what is it like and why am I even thinking about this because it’s all insane and terrifying. Why the heck am I thinking about grad school when for my whole entire life all I have ever wanted to do was graduate from college as soon as I possibly could and move back home until whatever time I should be in a position to get married, have kids, stay at home with them, and homeschool them?

What am I doing with my life. Question of the century.

Maybe, though, we should rephrase that: What is life doing with me.


I’ve got so much stuff I need to make happen it’s not even funny. But all I can do is write long blog posts or write in my journal for hours, trying to process things and failing miserably, with the occasional break to play my guitar for a few minutes in an attempt to clear my head, and thus getting nothing at all accomplished. Not yesterday, not today, and not tomorrow either.


Sunday is going to be one heck of a day.


13 Comments Add yours

  1. JudahC says:

    You are not helping with my college fears, just so you know. And you sound like you might have even more to do than me at the moment, which is pretty crazy to think about.

    Hang in there. =)


    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      normally, college isn’t nearly so stressful, or so insane. It’s just that right now is midterms and housing stuff all being due at once, on top of the fact that I am now switching my major and thus having to re-work my four-year plan again. It usually isn’t so bad, don’t worry. I’m just doing everything at the same time, which I don’t recommend, but sometimes you just can’t help it. I think I have stopped doing life and life has started doing me…


    2. Lulu says:

      And you can have epic keg parties.


  2. mariertps says:

    YOU CAN DO IT! *cheerleader scream* =D And if you don’t do it, I shall fly up there and stand over you with a can of whipped cream.


    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      I’ll take the whipped cream…


  3. Maybe, though, we should rephrase that: What is life doing with me.

    Life is stretching and growing you…….


  4. oh and ditto to mariertps comment….


    1. mariertps says:

      Yeah pineapple, listen to your… mum? xD


  5. juliel1tps says:

    You got this, Anna! Just hang in there. God’s got it all worked out. =)


  6. Remember—One day at a time. God will take care of the rest. Organize–organize!


  7. Lulu says:

    If it makes you feel better I’m 8 days into my winter break *sips martini*


    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      I hate you.
      However, in two weeks, I shall be relaxing in North Carolina. Without you. So it’s all good.


      1. mariertps says:

        WUT. o_0 We need to visit. xD *happy, yet deluded sigh*



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