words…?

I have been exercising my voice all day by trying to wrap my vocal chords around Old English and German ‘r’s and umlauts. I am now having a hard time making normal American English sounds. Somehow all my words get mixed up with voiced velar fricatives and glottal stops. Ah, the life of a language student. German definitely sounds better than American, by the way. <3

 

I’m sort of done with homework for the night, and it’s only 9:30. This hasn’t happened since…well…last spring semester? Only sort of done, though. I mean, one can never study too much for a German vocab quiz. I could go to bed early tonight. I won’t, though – if I tried, I’d spend hours laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I cannot physically fall asleep before midnight anymore. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but it’s really annoying. I guess it means I have more time to write, though. Or to think about writing and then not do it.

I’ve been wanting to write, really much, for the past several days. I need to write. There’s this feeling I used to get back in highschool, and I would shut myself in a dark room and write poetry for hours until it went away. This usually took place at 2:00 in the morning, actually. That same feeling has been hanging around for the past week, but I can’t do anything about it. Somehow all my words seem to have lost their coherency, poetry and prose alike. Used to be I could sit down and just write. No longer. Maybe not getting enough sleep for the past, like, ever, has something to do with it.

I was planning to start work on my novel again tonight. I finished homework at 9:00, and was going to work on the novel until 10:00. I’ve opened up the document…but now I’m not sure I can face it. The content just as much as the enormity of the task.It’s just a bit overwhelming, on many fronts. But at least maybe I can get it loaded into Scrivener and begin the organization process there. If I can work up the courage to look over the word document.

(and yea, it is 10:00 now. it takes me this long to write blog posts. Yes, it does. see why it’s such a wonderful procrastination tool?)

I wrote a really enormous blog post last night, and was going to edit the heck out of it and post it today. But I just ended up making it longer and now I don’t know that I shall post it after all. It’s basically a rant that no one wants to see anyway, and it also didn’t make me feel any better, so there’s that failure too.

I guess writing is just…on my mind a lot right now. And it’s the most frustrating thing ever, because I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been talking with several different people about writing, and it’s only made me wish all the more that I had a writer’s mind. Because I don’t, and that’s…a bit unfortunate? Seeing as I’m a writing major. And there are other things that have been taking up a lot of space in my thoughts lately, and I need to write about them so I can stop thinking about them. But alas, it seems I can no longer sit down and pound out rotten angsty poetry worthy of the burn pile to relieve my emotions. Neither can I write half-decent poetry worthy of posting here.

gosh I miss that feeling. the feeling you get after you sit down and pour your heart into a piece of writing. when you finish, you’re empty. It’s like a restart button for life. I want my life-restart button back.

I know how powerful words are, or how powerful they can be. Recently, the only wish I have is that I could harness that. Just a bit. Just…capture a bit of it, in writing. Create something out of words, something that has Tolkien’s final “turn,” his evangelium (read On Fairy-Stories, if you don’t know what I’m talking about). I wish I could tap into the power, the potential, of words, and make something that…is worth having been made. I can’t explain it. I read most of a book by Verlyn Flieger for a research paper last semester. Called Splintered Light. She talks about the power of words (and their relation to Tolkien, specifically – the paper was for my Tolkien Lit class). All of it is so mind-blowingly…enormous. I want to be part of that enormity. I want to write something that touches that enormity, even just by a very small bit. I want to write a Fairy Tale. One like Tolkien’s. One that is so much more than childishness and fantasies. One that…is Good, and True…one that has worth, that uses words to the fullness of their magic. But I can’t do that.

 

…Well. I think I’m going to go study my German vocab a bit more and then at least get into bed and pretend I’m sleeping. I’ll probably recognize the futility of it all by about 11:15, and get back up and do something useless like sit here and refresh my blog a hundred times in a row wondering if anyone is looking at it. I may even start writing another post, realize it’s complete and utter pointlessness, and delete it. six times in a row.

Not like I haven’t done that before.

 

It’s taken me over an hour to write this. Granted, I was interrupted briefly by Nicole’s return from a sorority meeting (she’s rushing. whyyyyyyyy. don’t get the attraction. like at all). Still. Nice going, Anna. Nice going.

See look, now I’m talking to myself.

 

I think I’m just really dissatisfied with my life and my mind right now and it’s translating into…well…my blog, for one thing. I’m sorry, guys.

But not really. Mwahaha.

…</sigh>

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11 Comments Add yours

  1. joctavianr says:

    This post made me sad for a little while. Then happy. Then sad again. Then amused. Then depressed.
    You have an amazing mind, by the way. Ask andyone who knows you except for yourself, and they will all concur. And if your mind is as problematic as you make it out to be, shouldn’t you take everyone else’s word on it?

    Like

    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      All the way from happy and amused to sad and depressed? That’s a nice range of emotions. *grins* maybe there’s hope. XD
      I never said my mind wasn’t amazing (did I?). I just said it’s not the mind of a writer, which is, unfortunately, true. My mind can be amazing all it likes, but that doesn’t mean anything. *cough* *pats mind* I think it’s pretty amazing too. Just not when it comes to writing. -_-

      Like

  2. Lulu says:

    Thats your problem you are too scared to write because you know its going to be bad.

    Just force yourself to write and write alot and you’ll work yourself out of that.

    Like

    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      That is also true. But every time I’ve sat down and forced myself to write, the results just keep getting worse. XD hehe. But I’m hoping that I can try again this week. I was nearly successful in trying to write last night. Maybe tonight I can actually get to work on it.

      Like

  3. mariertps says:

    “All of it is so mind-blowingly…enormous. I want to be part of that enormity. I want to write something that touches that enormity, even just by a very small bit.” You know, I think you’ve already scratched the surface. =) And I know you could do it. xD

    Like

  4. IMOHO you need to stop focusing on what you can’t do and start focusing on doing what you CAN do as best as you possibly can.

    Like

    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      All the stuff I can’t do is the stuff I want to do, though. The other stuff I don’t care about nearly so much. And the reason I can’t do the things I want to do is BECAUSE I care about them. Funny. =P

      Like

      1. Lulu says:

        You’ll never get better at the stuff you ‘can’t do’ if you never do it.

        Like

  5. Lulu says:

    You’re giving yourself too many excuses and already judging yourself before you even begin to write.

    When I’m pumping iron I don’t go to the easy weights which I know I can do, I test the limits and try the heavier stuff. I’m not standing there going, “Hmm, I bet I can’t curl 30s, and I don’t want to look like an idiot, so I’ll stick with the 15s.” No I make myself look like an idiot a few times until I master the 30s.

    NOW GO KICK SOME BUTT.

    Like

    1. AnnaEstelle says:

      …I think you should rephrase your example: “Hmm, I bet I can’t curl 15s, and I don’t want to look like an idiot, so I’ll stick with the 5s.”
      I kid. I KID! DON’T HURT ME! O_O <–innocent puppy face
      hehehe O=)
      However. Your illustration is correct and good. But it's also good to recognize limitations. Rather than being all like, "I CAN CURL 100S ALL DAY HOMESKILLET! SERIOUS BROSWAG MAN!" and then like, killing yourself when you drop the weight on your big toe. You know what I'm saying? And the very fact that I am frustrated with my non-writing-skill means I've been trying and failing and thus frustrated…so I HAVE been trying.
      And plus I got a bit of inspiration in the shower tonight, so I may work on starting on that, if I can get all this STINKING HOMEWORK DONE OH MY BAFF HOMESKILLET WHAT IS LIFE.
      Oh. Right. Life is PERPETUAL HOMEWORK.

      …did I just coin a word though? Broswag. I like it. Can this be a thing?

      Like

  6. Poppy says:

    Two thoughts
    1. Lulu is right.
    2. You’re a good writer. I enjoy your writing.
    Poppy

    Like

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