Three words: Desolation of Smaug. Four words: What was that trainwreck.
I have promised people I shan’t rant to them about the movie. So I’m going to mini-rant on my blog because I can. If you don’t want to hear my opinions about the movie, read no further. If you are going to read further, don’t leave comments saying how I should give it a chance and not rant about it and I’m a loser because I absolutely hate it (which is not true). If you do I’ll delete them because THIS IS MY BLOG AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT! \m/ Luke, I’m looking at you right now. Stop reading if you don’t want to hear it, and if you keep reading, keep your complaints about me ranting to yourself because you had fair warning and a chance to turn back.
Ok. Now that that’s over with. *deep breath before the plunge*
Actually, in all honesty, it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. I really did. More than I expected to, and more than I enjoyed the first one. I think. Possibly. Well there’s a slight chance, anyway. I dunno. I need to see it again.
Why does PJ think he’s got to keep giving poor Legolas all these impossibly acrobatic stunt scenes? Not only are they ridiculously…uh, stupid-looking, but they are degrading to Legolas and Elves in general. For crying out loud. Leave the poor fellow alone. Sheesh. No pirouettes on top of dwarves heads as they float down rivers in barrels, ok? That’s just…not even funny. I admit I was laughing during that part, but that laughter was directed at whoever’s directorial decision it was to create that scene in the first place…good grief. Leave the Elves alone. Stop making them look like ridiculous stuntpeople with too much hair.
And speaking of hair. I want to know how come Tauriel’s is long enough to sit on and always down, and yet miraculously never becomes tangled in her bowstring, or even so much as messed up a tad bit? I mean, my hair is a third that length and I can’t even keep it looking neat after an hour-long ride in a car in which I’m doing absolutely nothing at all. Also…even I, Anna the Hair-Obsessed, readily claim that Tauriel’s hair was a bit…excessive. Especially for a warrior. Nothing against female Elven warriors at all. It doesn’t go against Tolkien’s canon. But…really? Even Legolas had a haircut. No one ever said Elves had to have super long hair. And in a warrior, that is so incredibly impractical it’s not even funny. Again.
(And for the record I am going to continue deluding myself and brainwashing myself into believing that her hair is not red, but really just brown. Because RED IS SO NOT CANON in Silvan Elves. Darnit. Even if it looks cool. THAT WAS FEANOR. Tauriel is def not related to Feanor.)
Another thing I disliked about the movie – the whole thing was so crazily rushed. The beginning scene, with Thorin and Gandalf in Bree – I saw that was where they were starting the movie and got all excited, but then it was over in three seconds. So much of that needed to be expanded. I hope in the extended version they have that scene being much longer. It’s a good scene. I’m glad they decided to start there. …but can’t we have like, the whole thing? And even after that, the entirety of the movie felt far too rushed, despite it’s length. Another example would be Mirkwood. They were in there about a minute and all the sudden everyone is freaking out and dying and falling asleep and getting eaten by spiders. What? No. Not okay. The first movie was so drawn-out and longgggg and slow…and this one had too much crammed into it every which way…it could have been evened out a bit.
And the CGI. Why. Why so much CGI. The movies, both this one and the first Hobbit, feel so much less real, so much less grand and wonderful and REAL, than the Lord of the Rings films, because…everything is fake. It’s all computerized. LotR was shot all on location, all on real sets, all with real actors. The Hobbit films so far seem to rely nearly completely on green screens and CGI figures. Heck, even Legolas’ eyes were CG-ed. That was just unnatural and a bit disturbing…=P And how lame for the actors. LotR – you get to film in New Zealand. IN New Zealand, out there in the middle of real life. Helm’s Deep, Edoras, everywhere – they’re real places, built into the land. The Hobbit? You get to stand in front of a green screen in some giant studio all day with little electronic dots on you so that your movements can be fed into a computer and spit out in the shape of some creature or other.
Finally (because I can’t think of other things, though I know there were many more…), what does PJ have against keeping companies actually, like, joined together? Frodo ditches Sam…now Thorin ditches Fili, Kili, and whichever the other two dwarves were (can’t for the life of me keep them straight). That serves absloutely no purpose except to play up the love triangle between Kili, Tauriel, and Legolas. Which brings me to another point. That love triangle. What the heck? The Legolas-Tauriel thing I expected. But Kili? Really? Really?? I repeat – what the heck??”Do you think she could have loved me?”
Tauriel, if you’d answered that question, I would have stood up right there in the middle of the movie and walked out of the theater.
Peter Jackson. …My respect for your brilliance dwindles…*sigh*
Even if the Kili-Tauriel love thing is absolutely hilarious, it’s funny in a…not-good sort of way. =P Let me laugh at the deranged she-elf. Let me laugh at the star-struck Dwarf. These guys are supposed to HATE each other for goodness’ sake. =P Even if Kili IS constantly on the lookout for a girlfriend, he wouldn’t go to an Elf. No Dwarf would. At that point in time and with those particular Dwarves, they had a sort of feud going with Elves. They no like each other. And in Middle-earth in general…I dont know if Tolkien ever directly addresses the idea of inter-species-al marriage/love, but the only places we ever see it are between Elves and Men. Not Dwarves. And I think there’s a reason for that. Shoot me for not being able to prove it, but that’s my opinion and I ain’t budging.
However. Like I said at the beginning, I didn’t hate the movie. It was a good movie. Shock of all shocks, it even bore a few faint resemblances to this book I’ve read…this book called The Hobbit…Huh. Imagine.
I loved the spiders in Mirkwood. I thought those bits were well-done, and pretty awesome. I’m sad they left out the wood-elf feasts, though. Really really really sad. -___-
I absolutely loved Thranduil’s halls, too. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. SO COOL. I want. =) And Thranduil himself – he was awesome. Sufficiently Elvish, but with a bit of craziness, insanity, fallenness, in there. I loved it. He looked the part, and his acting was very well done. Applause for whoever the actor was. I’m too lazy to look it up. =P But I liked him a lot.
I also liked Beorn. His role was very small, but at least he was there. It would have been so much more amusing and interesting and awesome if the Dwarves had arrived at his house the way they do in the book. I was looking forward to that…I wish PJ hadn’t changed it. -_- But it would have added another fifteen minutes to the already-long film. So I guess that’s ok. I really liked his Bear-form, though, and I liked the portrayal of his Man-form as something different from the average human. Because he is. I like. Also his house was really cool, and all the animals were thereeeeeeee and not stupiddddddddd. *applause to PJ* wahoo.
I liked all the ways they tried to tie the Hobbit in with LotR, too. The stuff with Gandalf, and the tombs of the Nine, and Sauron/the Necromancer, and all that. I’m glad they included it. Some of it could have been done differently, and the battle of sorts between Gandalf and the Necromancer was a bit too much like something you’d see in Harry Potter, but…whatever. It turned out decent, anyhow.
I like the way they increased Bard’s role. I think that was a good thing to do, given that in the end he’s kinda an important fellow to Laketown and all.
All in all, if they had left Tauriel out, the movie would have been astronomically better. But I guess they needed a female somewhere and Elves are cool so why not. -_- =P Really, it would have been way better if they had left out both Tauriel AND Legolas. But the fangirls would have drawn and quartered PJ if he’d left out Legolas, and he’s a good tie-in to LotR. Even if Orlando Bloom looks…uh, quite different in the Hobbit than he does in LotR. XD Life does that…o_O
Also, is it just me, or did Bard look like Will in Pirates of the Caribbean? there were a few minutes in the theater where I was like…did they double-cast Orlando? o___O
Oh. I also liked Smaug. A lot. The Dragon was great. Bilbo’s conversation with him was great. I liked. A lot. Martin Freeman is…SO perfect as Bilbo. =P
And now I can’t think of anything else I liked about it. Heh. =P It was a good movie. It wasn’t The Hobbit. But I didn’t expect it to be, after the disappointment of the first movie. So I wasn’t as disappointed in that this time. But…it could have been SO much better…
Peter Jackson, I still like you. I really do. You’re awesome. What you did with LotR was amazing. I just wish you could have done it again with the Hobbit.
I am probably going to think of more things. If I do, rest assured they’ll appear in the comments. XD