So it’s half past midnight, and I’m sitting on my bed in my dorm room, with the purple quilt my Granny made me and my old stuffed hippopotamus from when I was really little and the Vermont poster on the wall from my Mommy. I can stare at the backs of the books lined up on top of my desk – not school books, but the good old books from home. The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood, The Lord of the Rings, Little Women, Grimm’s Fairytales, Shakespeare…All old friends. I don’t have time to read them, but their presence is comforting. Jeremiah 29:11 is stuck to the mirror behind me, and notes from my family are taped to the wall beside the posters. It’s peaceful. The train passed through town an hour ago, and all the police sirens are quiet. There’s still the noise from the traffic, but the blinds block most of the light from the streetlamps and headlights. My door is open, and I can see into the cluster where my roommate is sitting with one of her friends (who happens to be a diver like Sarah, and the roommate of one of the girls I dance with). It’s all very quiet, and sort of half-lit, even though it’s only midnight and it’s Friday. Everyone’s gone home for Winter Break.
I think…college wouldn’t be half bad if it weren’t for all the people, and the decisions. ;)
I know I have posted several times now, talking about what I’ve come to classify in my head as “college stuff” – whether or not I should transfer, if dance is more important to me than the debt I’m getting into, how badly I want to be close to home. I’ve posted rants and I’ve posted prayer requests. And I would have posted again with updates…only there are none.
I’m still at the same point I was when I posted my last request for prayer. I still don’t know if Hope is where I should be next year. I still don’t know how important to me dance is. I still don’t know how I feel about the debt and the distance from home. Honestly, I’m starting to get scared. We’re a quarter of the way through the semester and I still have no other insight into all this than I did at Christmas. Granted, I’ve still got three months left, and then all summer…but I don’t really. If I’m going to come back to Hope, I’ve got to be making plans for that. If I’m going to go somewhere else, I’ve got to apply. If I’m going to continue in dance, I need to look at schools that offer that. If money is more important, I need to figure out something I can major in that is offered by the less expensive colleges. I’ve got a lot to do.
So I suppose I’m asking for continued prayer again. That God would give me wisdom as to what is more important to me…and more importantly, that He would help me to let go of what I want to do and where I want to go and what I think may be right, so that I can be open to what He wants me to do and where He wants me to go and what He knows is right. It is the desire of my heart to follow God’s plan for me and to lean on His wisdom and strength through this decision, but my biases and likes and dislikes are getting in the way.
I’ve posted links here several times to Ann Voskamp’s blog, A Holy Experience. I have her book, One Thousand Gifts, sitting on my shelf. I have the devotional that goes with it sitting on the bed next to me, my scribbling handwriting filling the blank lines at the back. I won’t hesitate to say that her vision…her way of going about life, her hope and her joy…her faith…I want those things. And I want to do with my life what she is doing with hers. I want to write because I have something to tell to others (be they just my family members or people from around the globe). I want to take pictures, because through those I can capture not only memories, but also God’s gifts of grace to us. I want to raise my own family up in faith, and set an example for my children the way Ann does for her kids and the way my Mommy has for me. I want the brokenness to not matter, because there’s always healing in Christ. I want the worry to disappear, because in the end there’s only God. I want the decisions to be easy, because my answers come from above. I want the life that finds joy in all things, because all things are from God.
But I can’t get a college degree in that. So where do I turn, and towards what do I work? I know that this time of my life is so dreadfully important, and I know that God’s using every day to grow me and to turn me more towards Him. And I know…deep inside somewhere, there’s a part of me that knows…that no matter what. No matter how this year ends up. No matter all that. Next year will come, and I will be somewhere then as I am now, and it will be good, as this is.
I really, really wouldn’t mind skipping over these next few years and fast-forwarding to the part where I get a family of my own, and a real home to live in again. The part where I know what I’m doing again. But you know…I don’t think there ever is a time like that, like that knowing, save the years before high school. When you’re a little kid, you know just what you want to be when you grow up and you know exactly how to get there. But there is so much beauty and so many chances to be had in the not knowing, that comes with growing up and moving ahead. And I know that somehow in some way all of this will get resolved because life goes on and the days keep coming and I can’t stop the years from turning even if I were to want to. Time moves on. God moves on. So it’s going to be ok.